I'm Not in Utah Anymore

     I remember stepping out the door the first morning of living in suburbia Hannan, Japan like it was yesterday. It was so humid that the air reeked with water from the ocean, people, and the random rain forests that seemed to wind their way through the little neighborhoods and up into the mountains. Little did I know, stepping out that intricate glass door, that I would be waltzing into a world different from anything I had ever known.

     It all started with the old man on the beach. At around lunch time, my Japanese companion and I were taking a nice bike-ride past the beach. We had been visiting every hospital in the town that day, trying to find a man whose information everyone refused to entrust us with. However, with the beautiful weather and the casual breeze from the sea to keep us cool, our rotten luck in finding our friend didn't really affect us. At least, not until we ran into the old man.

     As we rounded a natural bend in the side-walk, we came to an abrupt stop at a red light. That's when I first saw him... The toothless little old man peered at us, squinting from in the blazing sun. Without any warning, he enthusiastically started waving his arms and yelling indiscreet words at the top of his lungs.

     Realizing that we were the only other people on the street, I became a little concerned... What was this total stranger doing waving at us in the first place? I was taken aback when the old man victoriously raised the objects in his hands to show them off to us. In one hand, glinting in the light, was a gigantic spear that looked comically too-big for such a little man to be carrying, but what was in the other hand threw me off even more.

"Gaijin! Sore ha tako da! Sawatte kudasai!!!" (Hey foreigner! This is an octopus! Come feel it!!!) The strangeness of it all took a suddenly gripped me as I apprehensively asked my friend, "Why is he asking me to feel his octopus? Should I touch that thing? Why does he even want me to touch that?!" Sister U. lightly laughed and made a comment about how I should respect elderly folks' wishes. So without further ado, I trudged towards the neon orange net, weary of the gigantic tentacles and glazed over octopus’s eyes that lurked inside the old-man's bag. Slowly, trying not to process what it was I was about to do, I reached out and touched the octopus.

     Before I could even register how odd our situation was, the old man laughed and hopped about from foot to foot in glee, ranting to himself about how the octopus was now "lucky." Then, without further ado, he waddled away without another word.

    That was the first of many times while living in Japan where it hit me that I was "Not in Kansas anymore." Let alone the conservative, sheltered, middle-of-nowhere place that was my hometown in Utah.

Soccer Reffing Nostalgia

     My favorite games to ref were the little first grade boys. It seems to me that age six is the peak period of absurd language usage. There were two particular instances with those six-year-old boys that still make me chuckle. Sometimes there's nothing that you can do as a ref but stand there and silently laugh and groan inside.

     The first experience was when a rather blunt little boy in a blue jersey came sprinting across the field towards me. I don't know whether he thought I was on the opposing team, or rather he had been told of the conniving, evil referees, but either way he was not happy to see me on his field. He bobbed across the grass like a little baby rabbit, jerked to a halt in front of where I stood, stared up at me while blocking the sun from his eyes, and then called me "booger ears!!!" in his high pitched voice.

     Well, that surprised me for a second! Booger ears. How original; that must be a newly adopted insult. That definitely wasn't used when I was in elementary school. Really, when I was younger I was lovingly called "shrimp" or "four-eyes" for being short and having those gigantic coke-bottle glasses sliding down my face all the time. But the term “booger ears” was unique. It was actually really funny to see that tiny little guy call me names, thinking that he might do me some damage with his mastery over the English language. Well, ten points for creativity kid! Seriously, even when they're being hostile they're cute; what's up with that?

     The second incident was equally hilarious, if not more. Before the game started, two boys from opposing sides decided to exchange some cripplingly challenging banter to drive each other beyond the point of intimidation. A taller boy from the orange team strutted to the center line, mockingly glaring and looking down on another boy from the other team who looked to be about half his size and smirked, "Hey, you, we're going to beat you!" Not missing a beat, the smaller kid jeered back, "Oh yeah? Well, not if I can do this!!!" and without further ado, he scrunched his eyes and rolled them into the back of his head until only the whites were visible. The big boy looked stunned for a second, and seriously, I could practically hear the cogs in his head screaming, "what?!?" Oh how those kids made me laugh!

     Now that I think about it, it wasn't just the boys who were comical, the girls were equally adorable, and I have fond memories of their silly comments too. One day a girl with flaming red hair approached me, her huge brown eyes a whirl of complete awe. She looked up at me and asked in incredulity, "how do you keep track of all of this?" I pointed knowingly at my stopwatch and said, "This little instrument helps me keep track of the time, I just have to watch the game and blow this whistle if a rule isn't followed." The look on her face was priceless; it was if her whole world had been shifted. Lesson learned: a stopwatch truly is a magically magnificent object that can undoubtedly change someone's world.

     Isn't it great how kids are so easily amazed? Their innocence can make even the smallest and seemingly meaningless things in life have a purpose. I'm going to have a lot of fun being a parent in the future; needless to say, I will definitely be jotting down the funny things that those children say!

A New Aunt for a Newborn

    My oldest sibling finally had her baby a few days ago! They named her Kayli, and she is like a perfect little porcelain doll. Her skin is so flawless and soft, aside from the few dry spots due to the lack of humidity here. Because she's a newborn, Kayli can only see up to eight inches in front of her, but that doesn't stop her probing eyes from searching everything that she can see. And now to tell the rather interesting story that I learned while waiting in the hospital. Don't ever judge off of a first impression!

    As my sister was in the hospital having her baby, I sat rather impatiently outside her room on a scratchy and rather cheap looking dark color-splatted chair.
My foot tapped incessantly in their light orange bowler-style shoes. Nurses shuffled past me, several making remarks on how it was "sooo nice" that I was sitting and waiting so patiently... Well,what else would I have done? Like I could've leaped right into my sister's room and shouted,
"You better have this baby now, or I'm leaving!!!!!"

No.

    I'm guessing it was more of a small-talking comment to lament the hours that I sat waiting for Kayli      to arrive.

    My foot continued to tap nonchalantly as I peered down the hall to see what my dad and brother were up to, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a rather interesting shaped blob of color walking swiftly down the hall. Distractedly, I focused my eyes to see what the hustle was.
It was a short and skinny blonde lady who looked like a barbie, speed walking down the hall faster than if a creepy Ken brandishing a cleaver was chasing her.
She wore a little mini-skirt complemented by a hippie-looking rhinestone studded peace-sign-covered crew neck t-shirt. I was more than a little surprised when "barbie lady" looked down at me and laughing joked,
"Well who banned you from the room?" and with a little laugh waltzed right into the room where my sister was in labor.

     Surprise turned to horror and wonderment.

     Who in the world was this woman? Was that one of my sister's friends? Was she completely crazy?

     The next voice I heard from the other side of the wall was "barbie lady's," saying in that same casual tone,
"Alright, well let's get this thing over with!"

     She wasn't just any lady. It turned out that she was the doctor! That gave me a laugh too, and in a manner of minutes I heard another voice. Another voice that I had never heard in my life.

    It was a soft little cry, almost like a baby bird calling for something, but more prolonged. A smile crept to my lips as a thought impacted my brain like no other had for a long time.
"I'm an aunt!"

Pick-up lines: The do's and don'ts

     Before my yearly protest of Valentine's begins, I thought that maybe I should share some funny and nice pick-up lines (in the hopes that my readers will take heart and actually use them to brighten the day of the guy or girl that you like!)

In case you haven't seen Panda Girl's blog http://mymemory62005.blogspot.com/, you will notice that I borrowed most of the pick-up lines from her. I give her full credit for finding them (while adding a few of my personal favorites in the process.)

Funny/ Interesting Pick-Ups
Are you a parking ticket? You got fine written all over you.
Do you have a band-aid? I just scraped my knee while falling for you!
Hey, aren’t you forgetting something? Me!
You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet!
Don’t you know me from somewhere?
Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? My jaw!
Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
"Hey, Hailey!" (Big hug). "I haven’t seen you forEVER!!" (huge kiss) "Wow, you’ve really changed!"...
"I’m not Hailey"
"What? Oh my gosh, you even changed your name!"
Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, my name’s Right…Mr. Right.
Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.
Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

Stupid Pick-ups
If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
If you were a library book, I would check you out.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
I’m feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?
My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
You’ve got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche. (Hmm... That reminds me of one of my friends! Any guesses?)

Pick-Up Lines for if you think she's pretty, or if you're somewhat stalkerish
If beauty were a grain of sand, you’d be a million beaches.
If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.
If water were beauty you’d be the ocean.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
Can I get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?
So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. (Creepy!!)
Some Tacky Pick-Ups
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What’s a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?
Is there a doctor in house, because I think my heart just stopped beating…
"Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"
I think you’ve got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it’s just a sparkle.

Cute Pick-Up Lines (Jojo's recommended favorites. Yes, they are tacky I will admit!)
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
When I marry you, I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.
If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
I think I must be dying because I’m looking at Heaven.
If God made anything more pretty, I’m sure he’d keep it for himself.
"Now God must have just been showing off when he made you."
I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I’ll stop loving you.
When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.

"Hey Jojo."
"What?"
"Do you like fireworks?"
"Yeah, they're really pretty. I watch them with my cousins every year!"
(laughing and a slight pause,)
"Well I like how they go up..."
(Lift arms)
"Out"
(Extend Arms)
"And Down"
(Put your arm around the girl, totally surprising her.)

"Hey Jojo..."
"Yeah?"
"It's cold. Are your hands cold"
(me not taking the hint,)
"Um... No? Not really."
(reaching for hand,)
"Well let me check..."
(grab hand, and don't let go for anything.)
That was a most shocking pick up line for me.
Let me just tell you a few of my thoughts in those few split seconds. "Oh my gosh! He's not letting go! Why isn't he letting go of my hand? What's going on?! Oh... Oh! He's holding my hand! Whoa that's never happened to me! What do I do now?!"

Smooth Talking Pick-Ups for guys
Don’t walk into that building — the sprinklers might go off!
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor…so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons. (Plus that one will totally make a girl laugh, unless she has no sense of humor what-so-ever.)

Some of the extremely don't "Don'ts" Pick-Ups
I envy your lipstick. (
If you were a booger I’d pick you first. (Can you say gross? That's a good way to scare a guy off if you don't like him.)
Your eyes are as blue as the water in my toilet. (What a beautiful comparison? Um, how about not? Yikes!)

A Parody Mocking Twilight Fans

Sorry about this blog post, my dear readers, once again I prove how bad I am at poetry! I did this poem in the format of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven," it was required for English.
The second, fourth, fifth, and six lines rhyme, (the other two don't.) I figured that I would have to write about my hatred for Twilight sometime, so enjoy!
If you do like Twilight(like most of my friends,) then I most heartly apologize. Unless you are like the following women mentioned...

Once upon a sullen silence, I sighed, I sighed about the Cullens.
Crazy, dreamy, drowsy fans, oh how it made me sore;
Muscular, masculine vampire men with shiny skin gave me chagrin.
Their paleness, ageless, alter less lives gave me such a bore.
Guys abhor this whole love lore, “where’s Harry Potter?” I implore.
This Twilight book girls opt for.

Meyer’s tale is mildly cheesy; Edward makes love look so easy.
Edward sinuously stalks our dear Miss Swan, which many girls adore.
When suddenly there came a tapping, tapping, tapping on the wide window;
Our happy Edward leaped right in, in black Goth clothes galore.
His ominous outlook, his empty stare; surely he needs a councilor.
Only this and nothing more.

Since when did vampires sparkle in sunlight, why are young werewolves so cute and cuddly?
These addling attempts of harrowing humor make my head too sore.
Rabid fans now buy icepacks, and glitter, Volvos, old trucks, t-shirts and such.
Meyers has made gobs of cash from movies, my mother, and more!
Please stop these callous and crazy cults of women I implore,
No Twilight anymore!

Visiting Great Grandma Walker

So the last nine days have been completely scheduled to the rim with activities! Of course, I was on vacation. Our family went on a trip to Oregon, which concluded in a visit to San Francisco, and the long, rainy drive home.

The first part of the trip was dedicated to Grandma Walker... She is quite the character! She's like the energizer bunny, trapped in a ninety year old person's body!
Strangely I've come to find that the two of us have a lot in common. We both love life and are excited about pretty much anything good. We're both really short, (I'm shorter,) and we both really love animals.
Despite our similiarities, there is a minor difference between me and Grandma. For the most part, I prefer speaking my mind, but I try to filter what goes in and out of my mouth at all times; Grandma doesn't. She has no problem cursing, and has loads of famous quotes. The way she talks is a little bit childlike, she is blunt, and doesn't care if she insults other people with her honesty. The good thing to this is that you always know what's on her mind, and what she thinks of you.

When we walked into her old, whitewashed house in her old folks area in Oregon, the memory of our last visit was fresh on our minds. We stood nervously before her big black door as my dad knocked. A strange anticipation hung in the air, along with a foreboding sense of dread. For some reason, it took a really long time for her to reach the door of her small rambler. We found out after the door was swung slowly open that Grandma Walker had finally acquired a walker for herself, her ankle had never properly healed after she'd broken it last year... Her ankle was totally deformed, and I clenched my fists in anger as she told us how the doctor's had treated her. Technically they hadn't treated her at all, acting like she was too old to be helped and not doing anything.

She kept talking to us for a few minutes, her voice was a bit rattly, and she laughed often in her low alto voice. My dad acted clownish, just to see her reactions.
After talking so seriously, it wasn't long before we couldn't surpress laughs. Grandma finally took the time to observe the family that she hadn't seen in a few years, and she commented on her grandson's appearance.
Without sympathy, she looked my dad up and down. After her eyes were done scrutinizing my dad, she loudly exclaimed, "Why Grant, you've gotten so fat! You're just so fat, you must really like to eat!!" I felt a twinge of pity for my dad, but I just couldn't help but laugh at her unchanted, unrelenting bluntness. I was relieved that she didn't think I was fat.

     Our Grandma Walker has was born in 1919, so she's lived through a lot. She's lived through the Great Depression and both world wars. Because of her age, she has lots of traditions and formalities that haven't really changed much since her younger ages.

     The worst part of going to Grandma's is her hospitality. When she was our age, it was always necessary to offer to feed your guests. Grandma took it upon herself to make sure that we, "her guests," were well fed. This eventually led to her trying to force us into eating her old food,"Just shut up and eat some potato salad!!"

     I really love my Grandma, but there is one thing that our family can't deny. Her food would easily qualify for Fear Factor. After trying to stall the inevitable, we finally knew that there was no way to avoid eating what she offered. That night's course was potato salad.

     She'd been eager to have us eat the potato salad she made from the day she made it about a week before...

     My grandma sat in her rocker in the next room, watching us in the kitchen to make sure that we were well fed. Fortunately, her sight isn't all that great, she didn't see our noses crinkling in blatant dismay.
As if on cue, everyone looked to me, desperation emanating from their eyes. My mom silently questioned, "How much do you love your grandma?" I gulped and shook my head. I felt like I was volunteering for the guillotine. With a little hesitation, I muttered,
"Alright, I'll eat some in front of her, that way she gets the impression that we've eaten." As if reading my mind, mom whispered in relief,
"Are you sure? Okay, we'll stay over here, just come dump the rest in the garbage after you're done." I trudged into the front room with a paper plate, armed with only a fork against the potato salad.
Grandma looked at me expectantly, I dipped the fork into an odd colored potato and shoved it into my mouth before I could cower out. My heaved in protest to the disgusting salad, the second that I put the food in my mouth, I involuntarily gagged, chewing just enough to swallow it down, and then quickly forced three more bites before my stomach settled again.

    After I was sure that my grandma had seen me eat her salad, I slinked back into the antique filled kitchen and found the garbage can. That wasn't the worst food I had at Grandma's last week, but that really was taking one for the team.

     My whole family stayed in a fairly nice hotel while we visited Grandma Walker, her house was much too small for everyone. Even though we had a hotel room, my dad insisted that I spend the next three nights alone with Grandma to prove how much I love him... I really must love my dad, because there are things much worse than potato salad lurking in Grandma's fridge.

     As much as I tried to sleep in that morning to avoid breakfast, I just couldn't. Grandma's house was really cold, and it didn't help that I'm an early bird. At six thirty, I walked into the kitchen, only to find Grandma waiting for me. The very first thing out of her smiling mouth was,
"Let's get you some breakfast!!" I groaned inside, wondering if I could possibly come out of this trip alive.

     For breakfast, I had shredded wheat, with sour milk poured on it. That was pretty gross, but not the worst part. After only being able to eat half of it, Grandma insistently tried to make me eat everything else in her fridge. She handed me a black banana. I peeled the skin off, to reveal that the banana itself was covered in brown spots. Grandma handed me a butter knife, so that I could cut off the larger spots.
When I was done cutting, there wasn't really much banana left. She looked at me encouragingly as I bit into the hard banana. Even though that also was too gross to finish, I couldn't force myself to eat anymore after the tropical canned fruit. That fruit must've been opened and left in the fridge for a decade, it tasted like tuna...

Aside from the Fear Factor food, it was fun to visit my grandma again. We spent the whole first day in Oregon by doing things that she couldn't normally do for herself.
She scowled at my dad when he told her that we were going to go pick the weeds outside her house. She loves her potted garden, and didn't want us to think that she'd somehow not taken care of it,
"I don't think you'll find any weeds out there!! I don't think you can tell the difference between the plants and the weeds!" She was scared that we'd ruin her beautiful English Roses, and turned out to be really surprised that we actually managed to find so many weeds.
The last day in Oregon was sad, but it was the best day at Grandma's. We went on an eight mile hike called "Canyon Trail," which had ten gorgeous waterfalls.

     When we came back to Grandma's house after the hike, we got to hear lots of her stories and lectures. My favorite part of the whole conversation was a reference to her little old cat "Kissy Kissy." My grandma looked intensely at my dad as she asked,
"Now Grant, do you believe in aliens?" To which he instantly replied,
"No Grandma, there's no such thing. Don't worry about them." To which my grandma passionately exclaimed,
"Then what happened to my cat?!?"
I know that it's sad and crazy, but my Grandma believes that she has proof that her cat was abducted by aliens. The worst part about her cat stories is that Kissy Kissy was actually her neighbor's cat. (For some reason my grandma thought that their cat was hers.) One day, after grandma let him outside, Kissy Kissy "ran away," and she never saw her beloved cat again...
We're pretty sure that the neighbors just reclaimed their cat.

Have a Nice Trip

     Have you ever had one of those moments where you just can't help feeling completely and utterly stupid and embarrassed? Well, I'm sure you have; I've had some pretty bad ones myself! Well, I thought I would tell you about one, just to get it over with. That way if you ever hear anyone making an "allusion" to past events, then you will understand why I am being made fun of.

     The first embarrassing moment that I'm referring to is my legendary fall in band. You know that quote from Batman?
"Why do we fall, Mr. Wayne? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up!" Well not in my case, my line is more like,
"Why do we fall, Miss Beth? So we can learn how embarrassing it is to fall, and never do it again!" Yeah, my fall wasn't metaphorically, it was literally. Right after our first band competition, Mr. Hendricks made a decision. It was apparent to him that the very last set of the very last movement in our show was very sloppy. So what did he do? He made a completely new set for us! Sure it looked better in the end, but it was a pretty hard set too. Literally, anybody could have pointed me out during that set, even from the stands. It's not hard to spot a very short girl sprinting across the field, carrying an instrument that weighs as much as a baby elephant. Well, sure I might have made it look almost easy for competitions, but the actual learning was the hard part.

     The second to last set was back marching, and most people continued back marching for the last set. For some really stupid reason (and being a complete rookie,) I thought that I had to follow their lead... Even though I was supposed to be going forward, so what did I do? I marched forward, backwards. Do you see where this is going? I trip over everything, even when there is no ice, and even when I'm not carrying a fifty pound instrument. So when I was back marching forwards, something was bound to happen. We had practiced the newly made set probably ten times before my little incident. I was half way running backwards in a forward direction when I completely collapsed. To this day, I can't really explain what happened. One second I was standing tall, the next second I was on my back, flat on the ground. Unfortunately it is impossible to hide a little clumsy mistake when there are practically two hundred kids surrounding you, especially when those directly behind you are obnoxious trombone players that wouldn't miss an opportunity to laugh! Immediately after falling over who-knows-what, I leaped to my feet and ran back to my position (in order not to be trampled.) When at last we finished the set, everyone relaxed; except for me (I was still laughing my head off.) Trying to ignore how embarrassed I felt, I heard people call my name from behind.
"Beth, Beth!" called a chorus of trombone boys,
"Are you okay?!"
Trying not to become any more red that I already was, I turned to face them,
"Uh yeah, my pride is more hurt than myself, thank you very much..."
"Okay, good! Because that was flippin' hilarious!!!" Well as you can imagine, I turned bright crimson, and to avoid further embarrassment, turned face forward to look up at the band director. Needless to say, he was looking down at me from forty feet up in the sky, as if my red face was a lighthouse beacon. He shook his head concernedly at the clumsy girl who was currently failing at turning back to her original color.

Game Time!

I wanted to have a bit of fun on my blog, so let's play a game, shall we? I'm going to put ten movie quotes from either my favorite movies, or movies that I like. I'll start out easy, and then I'll get harder. You can just post your guesses on comments!(I'll delete them later so other people can't use them.) So for now just write your guesses on a paper, good luck! When you are done guessing, look at the very bottom of my blog to complete the game.

1. "The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the Goblin and took the spider out. "

2. "I just like smiling, smiling's my favorite!"

3. "I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day."

4. "Stop it!" "Apologize to Lucy... Say you're sorry!!"

5. "Who are you, and why are you doing this?"
"We are bad men, and for the money!"

6. "What did I do? What did YOU do? Think of home? That was a GREAT plan! You thought of your home and I thought of mine and now we're halfway between the two!"

7. "Promise me something." "Anything, sir!" "Never try to save my life again."

8. "Oh my gosh he's so cute." "Who said that?!" "Um, sorry."

9. "WAIT FOR ME WAIT FOR ME"! [Two others teenagers stop, and look at her]
"Wait. Wait. No, not you - I don't even know you!"

10. "Slap it... Shoot it... Kaboot it."


Let's see how you did!

The funny things people say

     I have had so many embarrassing quotes thrown at me in the last few weeks!!! It has been insane! Some of them are funny, so I'll list them here in really short versions.

     Okay, quote one... This was at a stake dance, and over and over again people asked me why I didn't go to the bigger and more ominous "Regional Dance." I replied rather awkwardly to everyone that asked, "Because, nobody ever asks me to dance... It makes me feel a little left out." Until finally one of my best friends asked me the same question. When I replied to his question, he gave me a surprised look and said, "Well, if I had been there I would've asked you!" It was rather funny, but lots of people laughed at me for that comment.

     This quote is going to take a lot of confusing explanations. The quote? "Beth, stay away from knives!!!" So one time I was just sitting at lunch, and I was bored to the extreme. For some reason I just started playing with my utensils, twirling them in between my fingers, poking things around on my plate. And somehow it has become the joke that I have turned emo, just because I was playing with the knife! If you've heard a rumor that I'm emo, it's not true!!!

     Next quotes are from a kid who likes to poke fun at me when I'm doing the Student Government announcements... One day (when I was doing the announcements over the speaker phone,) a kid in Mrs. Cobia's science class blurted out, "Hey, I recognize her voice! It's that Sleepy Hollows girl!!" That same kid made another funny comment about me earlier in the year in Mr. Thompson's English class. As the kids were reading "The Pigman," they came across the word "Transylvanian." Quizzically a student asked, "What is a Transylvanian?" And little Mr. Joker says, " Like Beth!" Well that was mean, but I can't help that I'm white...

Those are just silly quotes I've heard other people say lately, but just for your sake, I'm going to post funnier quotes.

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. -- Kathy Lette

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. -- Helen Rowland

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them. -- Dick Van Dyke

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. -- Zenna Schaffer

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. -- Marty Feldman

I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C. Fields

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. -- Mark Twain

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. --Mark Twain

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. --Winston Churchill

Lost!

     Have you ever been lost? Have you ever been all on your own in a crowd of gigantic strangers, barring your way to your parents? Well I’d bet that doesn’t sound too terribly scary for you teenagers. Most likely you would have a cell phone readily available so you could call your parents and say, “Sheesh guys, why did you abandon me? Where the heck are you?!?” Trust me getting lost is much more terrifying when you are all alone in a place of death and disease (a hospital.) What makes the situation worse is when you are a little seven year old kid with no cell phone.

     When I was seven years old my Grandma contracted uterin cancer. My cousin and I were her little nurses when she was sick. Together we would make white nurse hats with those big red crosses on them. Then we would run around doing whatever our grandma needed or wanted us to do. It was pretty fun to be grandma’s little helpers, we felt like we were on top of the world or something like that.

     Eventually my grandma got a little bit sicker and had to go to the hospital. My family went to visit her in a huge hospital.

     The hospital absolutely boggled my seven year old mind! Everything was so clean and white! I was completely fascinated with the smells and sites. It was so strange going to a hospital for the first time! My family walked through the main hall and into a shiny elevator, overloaded with people trying to see their injured loved ones. I was near the back of the elevator, and to my amazement there was a huge map of the hospital on the wall behind me! I just stared and stared wondering how big this place really was. Curiously I stared at the keys and patterns when I realized that I was the only person in the elevator! Oh no, where was my mom? The elevator began falling back down toward the main floor. Only a few people boarded the elevator. One of the people was a huge tough looking Samoan who was wearing an impressive uniform with a badge that read “security.” He looked down and spotted me, he looked around for my parents and then looked back at me. “Where are your parents?” he said in surprise.

“I’m lost!” I cowered in his humongous shadow.

“I’ll help you out!” he replied in a kind sounding voice. I didn’t know what to say! My mother had told me not to talk to strangers, and here this stranger was trying to give me help. Not too long ago my mom had told me that if I was lost, that I was supposed to stay where I was, and yet here this guy was trying to give me help. I really felt like I needed it. My seven year old mind started racing,

“What am I supposed to do?” I thought, full of stress. Apparently I looked scared and confused, because the security guard pulled out his badge and showed it to me. He talked to me concernedly 

“It’s alright, I work here! I’ll help you out, don’t worry, we’ll find your parents in no time!”

“Okay!” I said feebly, still worried about “stranger danger.” He stopped the elevator door before it shut and I followed him out into the main hall. He walked briskly, glancing over his shoulder every once in a while to make sure that I hadn’t gotten lost following him. Eventually we came to a set of double white doors that we walked through. We strode into a room with the words “security” labeled on the door. I gasped; the whole room was filled with computers and television screens showing different parts of the hospital! The security guard sat down in a wheeled chair and swiveled it around to face me.

“Okay little girl, what is the name of the relative you came to see?”

“Grandma,” I replied in a small voice.

“Can you tell me her name?” he said trying not to sound too exasperated.

“Janet," I replied timidly while wishing that I hadn’t been so curious.

Meanwhile my parents were pretty frantic. Their little girl was missing! They had pressed the elevator button, and the elevator had come with no Jojo on board. “Oh no, where is Jojo!” They cried in panic.

The security guard typed in the name “Janet,” and had found out what room and what floor my grandma was staying in.

“Good news!” He told me sighing with relief that I had been able to spell my Grandma’s name correctly. “I know where your parents are headed to!”

In a minute I found myself riding the elevator once more. I was completely alert, my eyes never left the door as I waited for it to reach the eighth floor. After what seemed like ages the doors opened. There stood my mother looking as sad as if she had just lost a child.

“Jojo!” she exclaimed in surprise.

“You’re alright! Thank goodness! What happened? Are you okay? Where did you go?” The security guard answered most of the questions as my mom hugged me. After explaining what had happened, the security guard left probably feeling pretty accomplished. My mother called my dad on her cell phone and told him the good news. In a few minutes our family was gathered around my grandma’s hospital bed relaying the story of my unexpected trip.

     Well I guess that laughter is a pretty good medicine after all! In a few weeks my grandmother was completely cured of uterin cancer!